How Not To Write a Shitty Wedding Speech: A guide for friends, parents and couples who want to get it right

This face. You want to avoid this.

More a list of what not to do's, if anything

Time and time again, I am baffled by how many people miss the mark when it comes to writing and delivering a wedding speech. It still surprises me when someone manages to derail their moment, but here we are. Hence this article.

Let’s get straight into what not to do and, more importantly, what to do instead.

1. Know Your Purpose

Every good speech has a clear purpose. Ask yourself why you are telling each story. If it doesn’t break the ice or highlight a value, trait or quality that reflects who the person is today, scrap it.

What makes a story meaningful is the connection between the memory and the attribute it reveals. Tell the story, then say the trait out loud.

Think:
“I’m sharing this because it shows X’s generosity, loyalty, humour, adaptability, drive…”
Then make that point clear.

Example:
“This story shows how loyal X is and what a wonderful friend they have been. I know this quality will serve you well in your marriage.”

That’s purposeful storytelling.

2. To Be Funny or Not to Be Funny

The best speeches balance light-hearted humour with genuine sentiment. The issue is that many people don’t know how to land a joke. What they think is funny often comes across as rude, awkward or out of touch.

When humour works:
A funny moment lands when it’s universal and kind, and when most of the guests will understand the reference.

If you include a small dig, follow it up with warmth. Soft teasing only works when it’s clear you adore the person.

If you aren’t sure if it’s funny:
Don’t risk it. Keep it short, sweet and sincere. You don’t need to be a comedian for your speech to be memorable.

3. To the Friends Making a Speech…

Your friend’s wedding - I repeat, wedding - is not the time to bring up past relationships. Don’t do it. It’s never funny and always lands as cringe.

Skip the inside jokes only three people in the room understand. While your circle may chuckle, the rest of the room is left confused.

And please don’t confuse roasting with humour. A playful dig with warmth behind it is fine. Anything sharper than that belongs anywhere but a wedding.

Ask yourself:
Would I want this said about me at my wedding?
If the answer is no, leave it out.

Choose stories that are warm, relevant and reflect who your friend is today as they step into their marriage.

4. To the Parents Making a Speech…

You love your child. You have raised them, cheered for them and watched them grow. You deserve your moment.

Here is the gentle truth. A wedding speech is not the time to list every award, achievement or milestone from childhood to adulthood. A resume-style speech implies pride, but doesn’t express it. It becomes a list, not a moment.

Example of what not to do:
“Sarah has achieved a lot in her life. She made rep netball… she swam at state level… she got top marks… she became a marketing manager…”

We hear the achievements. We don’t hear the heart.

Better wording:
“Sarah, watching you grow has been one of my greatest joys. Your dedication and drive showed up in your sport, your studies and your career. These qualities have shaped you into the remarkable person you are today. As you step into marriage, I know these strengths will serve you well. Though I admit, your organisational skills may lead to a very precisely planned household. David, brace yourself.”

The takeaway:
Don’t just list what they did. Tell us why it matters and who it made them become.

5. To the Couple Making a Speech…

This is your moment. Speak from the heart.

Thank the people who genuinely shaped your journey, but keep it tight. You don’t need to list every acquaintance who once helped you move house.

Avoid turning your speech into a full relationship timeline. Guests don’t need every chapter. Choose a few meaningful memories or traits that show who you are as a couple.

Be gentle if you tease each other. A tiny playful jab is fine. Anything that embarrasses your partner on their wedding day isn’t worth it.

Share what marriage means to you, what you admire in each other and what you’re excited for.

A simple rule:
Say the things you would want to hear from your partner on the biggest day of your lives.

Kind. Clear. Sincere.

6. And Lastly, To the Couple Choosing the Speakers…

Don’t ask someone to speak if they aren’t confident or comfortable with public speaking. Weddings involve nerves, alcohol and pressure. Someone who panics under that combination may drink too much to cope and derail the moment.

Choose speakers wisely. And if in doubt, send them this article.

In summary…

Don’t…

• Tell random anecdotes that don’t go anywhere
• Share inside jokes that exclude the room
• Bring up past relationships
• Ask reluctant speakers to give a speech

Do…

• Tell stories that highlight positive traits, values or virtues
• Think about your guests and what they’ll experience hearing your speech
• Practice reading your speech aloud
• PRINT it in large font (don’t use a phone!)
• Remember that short, sweet and kind is always a winning combination.

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